Monthly Archives: April 2010

Sweedie’s Guide to Online Dating Success

I like to chat with people online, I’ve been doing it for a long time and I still do it from time to time. When I started chatting the object was to explore my newly discovered sexuality, and eventually find someone nice and respectable to go on a date with. A lot of people frown upon online dating, and a lot of people should. It can be extremely dirty… but it can also be extremely giving, it mostly depends on what you make it out to be. If you ignore the dirty people just looking for sex, it can be an incredible experience that potentially could find you a mate for life. This was how I met my partner of (soon to be) four years, and this is how some of my best friends met as well. There is some luck involved in finding someone online, and in order to improve your odds, there are some guide lines that should be followed. So here comes my guide on how to create, form, and sculpt your online dating profile in order to improve your odds of finding a potential mate. (I’m going at it from a gay perspective, but straight people are welcome to continue reading on if they like… just be careful so I don’t turn you).


Sorry for screaming, but this is THE most important step in creating a successful online dating profile. If you’re uncomfortable with showing your face, show your feet, show your ear, show your flabby stomach if that’s what you got, I don’t care what it is, SHOW SOMETHING! It is scientifically proven that an online profile with a picture showing is 456% more successful than profiles without one. Ok, that might have been statistics pulled straight from my boy pussy, but I know for a fact that people on the hunt for someone don’t tend to look at profiles that don’t have a picture showing. So put up a picture!!! Have you done it yet? I’m waiting……. DO IT!!

Write Something Interesting About Yourself

Or at least write something interesting regardless of what it is. If you write something original, funny, or clever you will stand out from the pack. The standard “Hello, I’m X, and I’m looking for Y” doesn’t really work in the online dating jungle anymore (unless you find someone that has a dyeing attraction to variables). Another thing to point out, that I also addresses further down in this point, Be Positive! I see profiles that are filled with self load, and sometimes even anger. Just something as simple as writing “I’m interested in a person that has these qualities: x, y, z” will give such a more positive image of yourself than if you wrote “If you have qualities x, y, z, Don’t contact me!!”. You don’t want to come over as arrogant and angry at the world, nor self loading and desperate. Try to find a good balance of positiveness, originality, humor, and substance.

Make Your Profile As Complete As Possible

Fill out as many options as you’re comfortable with. Not only will this give other people a better sense of who you are, but it will also generate more hits towards your profile when people use the search function on the website.

Look At Other People’s Profiles

Most dating sites have a feature that will allow other people to see who has visited their profile. It seems as if most people are interested to see who has checked them out, and usually they click on those profiles to check them out in return.

Don’t Be Afraid To Say Hi

Even if you think that a person you find attractive is way out of your league, say hi! The worst thing that can happen is that they don’t say hi back, or turns out to be a complete ass (but who wants those people anyway, right?). Spark up a conversation, but don’t start with “You’re so fucking hot, I want to suck you so bad”. That might work if the person you’re approaching is a total slut, but most of the times it doesn’t generate anything but aggression and disgust. Be nice, and take it slow, talk to someone online as you would in real life.

Don’t Pity Yourself

“I’m so lonely, I haven’t had a date in ages, wah wah” STOP IT! No one wants to hear about your failed dating life. Even if you do feel sorry for yourself, and nothing is going your way, don’t let other people know. It’s an instant turn off, and I promise you that being positive will give you a much better chance of getting some interested in you.

Be Truthful

Don’t lie about yourself, it will only come back to haunt you. What if you claim that you have a 9 inch penis, and then you actually get a date with someone and it turns out you only have a 5 inch… awkwaaard. Of course penis size isn’t the only example, and definitely not the most important one, but you get what I mean. Don’t post pictures of someone else, don’t claim that you’re fit as a rock and then show up with a 40 inch waist, don’t claim to make 100 grand a year and then post a picture of you chilling on the front porch of your trailer. This doesn’t mean that you need to reveal everything about yourself right away, but when you do reveal something about yourself, be truthful about it.

Don’t Be Too Picky

You might want to only talk to the people that you find attractive, but there are so many interesting people out there. One thing that I have found is that the people that are very good looking and get a lot of attention won’t pay you much attention in return. I’m not saying you shouldn’t go for it, but just consider talking to someone that you might not find incredibly attractive at the first glance. A person is like an orange, it’s all pretty and tanned on the outside, but the peel is not what you’re after, it’s all the meat on the inside that’s the interesting part. And if you’re lucky, you might even choke on a seed once you get in there.

So, to sum up. Be original, be interesting, show some form of picture, don’t be an ass, don’t eat the peel of the orange, and just be yourself. This will take you a long way, and I promise you it will at least generate more hits to your online dating profile.


The Gays Are To Blame!

This topic is not really related to what I usually discuss on here, but it made me so angry that I needed to say something about it.

I will start this post off by saying; Fuck you, you mothafucking catholic piece of shit. There, I feel better. So, many of you have probably already heard about all the pedophilia scandals that have surfaced from the catholic church. Not only have numerous priests sexually abused children, but the Pope have even tried to cover the whole thing up. To me this is not surprising at all, the catholic church has always had sort of a pedophile-stamp on its name, at least to me and my closest friends. But this whole story is just getting worse and worse. Apparently the popes ‘right hand’ – Cardinal Tarcisio Bertone, now blame the gays, or more specifically, homosexuality in its entirely, for these abominations. To quote Amy Poelher and Seth Myers from SNL’s Weekend Update — REALLY?

Yes, homosexuality is to blame for the pedophiles incapability of restraining themselves from touching little kids, and their cowardliness of not admitting that they have a problem and trying to suppress them by becoming celibate priests. In his remarks, the Cardinal quotes a study he ‘recalls’ saying that pedophilia is more related to homosexuality than celibacy. Honestly, I don’t think it is related to any of the two, if you want to be celibate, be celibate, but be completely sure about why you’re becoming celibate. If you just want to score a Disney show and wear tight jeans, fine. But if you’re becoming a priest and thus celibate because you’re aware of the fact that you have some type of sexual disturbance, like having sexual fantasies about children for instance, and thinks that by withholding sex completely it will go away, then you probably need to rethink your decision.

Being gay has nothing to do with having sexual thoughts about kids. Of course there are gay pedophiles too, but I would guess that the percentage of pedophiles is about the same in the gay world as they are within the straight world. There are sick people in all groups, but the really sick ones are the people that don’t admit that they have a problem and seek professional help and instead turn to something as abstract as religion to try to heal themselves. Go and see a psychiatrist for god’s sake.

This whole story makes me sick to my stomach, and it really affirms my belief that religion is mostly an evil power-cartell driven by sick people with waay too much influence over millions of sheep. To end this post on a ironic note, the catholic church as an entity needs to burn in hell.

Bill Donahue (I believe his official title is “Asshole”) was on Larry King the other night discussing this whole issue. First he says that there has been good steps taken to eliminate the child molestation problems, like excluding gays from the church. Second he says that the sexual abuse was not pedophilia, but homosexuality, because the kids where post-pubescent (a.k.a 11-13 years old). You are out of your mind Bill, it’s not pedophilia as long as the kids have gone through puberty? I’m really starting to understand where the Catholic Church is coming from on this whole thing. It’s a matter of “We can do no wrong, so lets blame homosexuality for our wrong doings”. I guess that is kind of in coupe with how the church in its entirety is run, you sin – confess it, then step away from it.
This is an evil organization that does everything to bring hatred toward my people, EVEN THOUGH they are the ones that have been molesting children and tried to cover it all up.