Are We Really This Pathetic?

The other day I had an online conversation with a gay man. He was an older nice gentleman, not in a relationship but he did have some thoughts on my relationship. For those of you who don’t know; I’ve been in a relationship for over four years now. My partner is older than I am, but hey, that’s how I like em. Anyway, this older gentleman and I had a conversation about a variety of stuff, but it was the last thing we talked about that really got my mind rolling. He gave me advice that, in reality probably is good advice, but at the same time… are gay people really so pathetic that I would have to take it?

The advice he gave me was that I should always have safe sex, even though I’ve been in a monogamous relationship for over four years. It doesn’t sound so terrible, and to some it may even sound like a smart thing to do. But think about this, my partner and I haven’t had safe sex in over three years. In the beginning of our relationship we did, and after a year we got tested and decided to skip the rubber. I like bare backing, I can’t lie about that, but I would never do it with someone that I can’t trust or that I don’t know is clean. So, now after we’ve made this decision together, should I all of a sudden say to him that I want to bring the little rubber ducky into our sex life again? So much for a hot threesome…

Telling my partner that I want to bring condoms back into our relationship is telling him one of two things; I’m either telling him “Haha, I’m cheating on you so we need to use rubbers again because I don’t want to give you my adulterating bugs.” or I’m telling him “Bitch, I don’t trust you, so you gotta wear this condom”. I’m not sure which one is better to be honest… Either way, it’s all about trust.

I’ve never heard anyone give the advice to a straight couple before. “You’ve been married four years? Time to get the rubber back into the relationship, you know… with all the HIV floating around”. Come on, the only reason he said it was because we have a same-sex relationship. I’m not gonna brush under the carpet that gays are more promiscuous than straights, because we are, it’s even scientifically proven that we are, but the data also shows that gay men are about as unfaithful as straight men are. So why should there be any more risk of catching a bug if you’re in a gay relationship, than if you’re in a straight one? When HIV first blew up around the world it is true that gay men was a larger group of infected people than any other, but it has pretty much evened out over the years, and now the rates are about the same between gays and straights. The more important question however is, why should I have to be more worried about my partner cheating on me, than a straight woman? As I said, the data shows that straight men are in the same range of being as unfaithful as gay men, but I can’t see anyone having this conversation with a straight married/tied-up woman.

The whole thing comes down to how we see ourselves and our group. Are we really so pathetic that we must constantly be on our toes about our partners cheating even if the relationship has been solid for four plus years? I can tell you that I won’t be, I trust my partner completely, and I’m pretty sure he trusts me completely as well. And honestly, if someone has this conversation with me again, I think I will be more offended than I was this time…


7 responses to “Are We Really This Pathetic?

  1. I think the advice was probably well meant, but I agree – you wouldnt give that advice to a straight couple. I would find it rather insulting.

  2. I hope the older gentleman wasn’t me! I dispense that advice, but not to a monogamous couple of whatever orientation. By the way, I like what you said about Phred Phelps. Complaining about him just gives him unnecessary publicity. Has anyone ever picketed his church? It might be fun. Personally, I’m going to spread the rumour that Phelps is Muammar Qadaffi’s sex slave, and they do threesomes regularly with Kim Jong-Il. It makes me happy to group arch-villains together.

    • therealsweedie

      It was not you 🙂

      I’ve heard that about Phelps too. It’s really disgusting how Phelps have threesomes with Kim Jong-Il, I’ve also heard that he like to be in the middle. And take both Ghadaffi and Lil’ Kim in his ass at the same time.

  3. Well, we do know that murderous dictators have tiny penises – that’s why they need guns. On a serious note, though, here in Canada there are certain limits on free speech. Our Constitution “guarantees the rights and freedoms set out in it subject only to such reasonable limits prescribed by law as can be demonstrably justified in a free and democratic society.” Phelps would be unwise to push his luck here. Mind you, he despises Canada – I mean, we have same sex marriage, and it’s just part of what makes for a tolerant society. Someone asked the wife of a prominent fairly right-wing politician what she and her husband thought of same sex marriage. Her reply: “I’m all for it. We’ve been married for 30 years, and had the same sex every day.” AND she & her husband marched in the Toronto Pride Parade. I think the U.S.A. is making progress, however.

    • therealsweedie

      Yes, it’s the same in Sweden. You can’t go out and scream “Hail Hitler” without facing consequences. There is a difference between free speech and hate speech, it just seems like us gays aren’t covered under the latter here in the US.

      It’s progressing slowly but surely. Today there was a poll out that for the first time showed the majority of the American people in favor of gay marriage. 53%, slim, but still a majority.

  4. I have enjoyed reading your blog. I think the “pathetic” advice probably should ring more true than not. Ideally monogamy is what we all strive for. But I assume the chat was occurring at some sex site/pick up site like Silverdaddies (I could be mistaken, but that is how I saw your blog link). In such sites, hooking up and sleeping around seems pervasive and many of the men there are partnered and/or married. So in context of such encounter or chat, I think safe sex is probably a good thing. It is always nice to trust your partner, but it takes one cheating night with someone else to pass on something not so nice. Quite an interesting dilemma. As one can see how many married men are in these sites, I sure do hope those men are protecting themselves and their wives when they get back home!
    Keep up with thought-provoking topics.

  5. Frank speaks the truth, dear friend. I have a friend who met his fiancĂ© on that particular site. His fiancĂ© is HIV+, and gave the reason I have heard so ofte. – “my partner cheated on me”. At least half the time that may be true, though at least half the tine, it’d be the person himself who cheated. Regardless, if you have a monogamous relationship, that in itself is safe sex. I know a lot of people who are in “slut mode”, and I certainly beg/urge them to play safely. As you pointed out, cheating or the odd adventure don’t just happen among gay people. I have noticed the three things young people on these sites seem to want:-
    Economic security, sex, and as a throwaway option, love. The older men seem to want sex, ownership, and love. In that order. Those are trends, not absolutes. There are exceptions who want a loving friendship, or to flirt a little, or just to look at photos and have a lovely wank.

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