Category Archives: Humor

Something fun.

Decoding Online Profiles

I’ve already written a guide on how you make your online profile more successful (you can find the guide by clicking on this link). Then I thought… that is not the only information that is good to have when navigating the online dating/sex jungle. I’ve been a member of a few dating/gay online communities for many years now, so I’ve come across pretty much every type of profile and person there is to come across, and therefore I think I am pretty eligible to try and decipher some of the lies that the common dating profile contains. Please take the second part lightly as it’s just generalizations and some are just plain jokes. But maybe you will find this information useful in some way!

I want to start off on a very serious note, this is something that I’ve seen time and time again, so please take this part very seriously. Be aware of scammers!! It’s not very easy to detect a scammer at first, they are usually very nice, and seem very interested in you and what you have to offer as a person. Sometimes you may even have interaction with the scammer for weeks, even months before he makes his true move. There are some very real signs that will help clue you in on whether you’re dealing with a scammer or not.
First, common sense. Does he seem too good to be true? You know the saying “if it seems too good to be true, it probably is”, and it’s usually the case with online encounters as well. A scammer is very skilled with how he interacts with people, he will make it seem as if you’re the perfect soul mates, and agree with mostly everything you’re saying.
Second, does he have excuse after excuse? The excuses can be anything from “I don’t have a camera”, to “I don’t have another picture on my computer”.  A scammer usually only has limited amounts of pictures of himself, simply because he does not look anything like the picture he has up on his profile. That is also why he doesn’t have a web camera even though you can buy for about $10 these days.
Finally, and this is of course the ‘move’ he will make, has he asked you for money? This can be done in a variety of ways, but usually he asks for money in order to come and see you. Please please be aware of this, no matter how badly you want to meet him. Instead you should offer to go and meet him where he lives, and if he has more excuses to why you can’t come there, then you know for sure that it’s a scammer you’re dealing with. He may also ask for money for other reasons, such as “I’m late on my car payment, can you help out?”, or “My mom is in the hospital and I need money to help pay the bills”, etc. In a few cases the person may actually tell the truth, but from my experience they are not in the majority of the cases. Once he gets his money he will disappear never to be heard from again. The scammer may have multiple profiles and be dealing with multiple people simultaneously in order to maximize his profit. Once again, this is very serious, and please look for these signs in order to minimize your risk of being scammed.

Now for the more lighthearted profile decoding. Like I said above, I’ve been browsing the gay dating sites for many years now and there are certain elements of a profile that I always come across and that in the majority of the cases seem to have the same hidden meaning. If a profile says that he is “Discreet”, it simply means that he is either married to a woman and has kids and sleeps around on her with guys on the side, or it means that he’s working for a company or organization that discriminates against gays in a major way. When you see the word “Taboo”, the usual explanation is that the man behind the profile either is a pedophile and want you to role play being his 12 year old son, or he likes to eat shit. If you see someone list their weight at 250 lbs, it’s safe to assume that he is closer to 300 lbs. A profile listing their age at 60, they are more likely closer to 70, and if a profile is listed as 18 it either means that he has been 18 for 11 years, or that he is actually 16 lying about his age in order to not be kicked off the site for being a minor. A profile without a picture, but still stating that he is good looking, usually means he is not. It is also safe to say that you can take off at least two inches off of any type of measurement posted, whether it be height or… you know… And finally, if a profile says that they are “Masculine” but lists their interests as “Gardening, Cooking, Interior Design, etc” it is safe to assume that they are more masculine than RuPaul, but less masculine than Martha Stewart.

What elements have you noticed on dating profiles that always seem to have a hidden meaning?

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A Sicko’s Rant on Sickness…

I’ve been sick for a while now, hence the lack of updates here on the blog. In my feverish state I figured I’m just gonna write a little bit about sickness. Bare with me as I will rant more than a southern grandma.

You know when you are sick, especially if you have a fever, how you can’t get comfortable whatever you do? You can’t lay down because even though you’re sick, laying down all day is just boring. You can’t sit up because you don’t have the energy to do so. And you can’t half-sit, half-lay down because… well… that is just silly. The biggest problem I have with being sick isn’t the fact that I’m not feeling well, it’s the fact that even though I have no energy, I’m so incredibly bored at the same time. Watching old chick-flicks on HBO only goes so far.
Another thing that bugs me about being sick is the fact that I still have to attend classes. I’ve been sick for a few days now, and even so I’ve been to (almost) every class. Maybe that’s due to my own ambition of graduating Summa Cum Laude, I don’t know, but either way, my professors don’t have much sympathy for the common cold, no matter how gruesome it may be. Some classes are just impossible to miss, especially the ones that are only offered once a week in three hour sessions. Labs are even worse to miss, luckily my four-hour lab was canceled this week (ironically due to the TA being sick), so at least I didn’t have to sit through four hours of pipetting techniques.

There are some good things about being sick as well though, especially if you have a loving significant other that takes care of you. Luckily I do have that, and sometimes it feels as if he reads my thoughts. This morning I woke up at around 5 am because I was coughing like a smoking emphysema patient, and I wanted a glass of water really badly. I did my best telepathic “please get me some water baby” accompanied by some puppy eyes, and sure enough, half an hour later my partner walks in with a glass of water. I’m not usually very high maintenance (I can hear my hubby’s laughter already…), but it’s nice to be taken care of once in a while. And when one part is sick, it’s sort of the other’s obligation to do so.
The other part that is good about being sick is that you are allowed to feel really sorry about yourself. “Starving kids in Africa? Who cares, I’m siiiick”, “Earthquake in Brazil? They don’t know how good they have it under that rubble”, “Child labor in China? Ok, they make my Ibuprofen, so I have to be nice to them”. I can care solely about myself for once without feeling the slightest ounce of guilt, that is definitely needed once in a while.

Anyway, this was more a post to say; “Hey I’m alive (even if it’s barely)”, and that more of my thoughts and rants will come, you just have to be a bit patient (patient, because I’m sick… get it?) with me. I have a few idea on what to come, something about capitalism (that oughta be fun), more on people’s perception of gay people, and I’m definitely doing something on the bible in correspondence to gays. So stay tuned!

Intellectual Gays = High School Cheerleaders?

So last night I was bored so I decided to check out a certain chat room at a certain gay internet site I am a member of. The room was called ‘intellectuals’ and there were maybe 30 people in the room when I entered. My first thought was, “cool, people are actually talking in here”, but then I started reading what they were talking about, and it was like a dick measuring competition in pretentiousness. Who could write the wittiest joke, who could write the ‘smartest’ thing, who knew things no one else in the room knew. Anyway, I decided to chime in with something small; I wrote that there were a lot of older people in there (which it was, average age was probably around 45). Someone cleverly responded “define old”, and as he had his age (55) in his name I wrote 55. And that apparently pissed another guy off, saying that I was a child, didn’t know anything about what age was, etc. So I told him I was just kidding, and to chill out, I also told him I have a boyfriend who is 47 years old. He then writes a bitchy novel about me and my relationship, about how my bf fucks me silly and then buys me a Prada jacket (I didn’t know Prada made jackets btw) etc, which he posts in the main chat room. I was actually laughing out loud at it, a 45 years old was attacking someone almost half his age over nothing. Anyway, the rest of my visit in the room progressed with practically everyone ignoring anything I tried to say, except one guy that tried to be nice to me the whole time. I finally decided I’ve had enough so I said good night, but didn’t log out right away due to some private conversations that needed ending. It turned out that the minute people thought I logged out, they started talking shit about me behind my back. I put down ‘lol’ and x’d down the chat room.

I thought about the whole a bit today and it seriously felt as if I was the new member of the high school cheer-leading team. At first I got stared at funny, then the head cheerleader bit my head off as soon as I said something, then I got ignored by the whole squad except the one cheerleader that felt bad about being bitchy, and lastly the whole squad talked about me behind my back once I left the room.

It’s funny because I haven’t spent time in that particular chat room before, however I’ve spent many hours talking to other gays that didn’t feel the need to proclaim themselves as ‘intellectual’, but were highly educated in a variety of fields. And never have I experienced such a clicky (read: bitchy) group of gay guys. If you get the chance you should check the room out, it’s quite entertaining to see middle aged men act like teenage girls. As for me, I think that one time was enough.

Piers Morgan? Really?

Does anyone really like Piers Morgan? I mean, sure he’s kind of handsome, but he has that vibe about himself that makes him out to be a complete asshole. I guess Larry King wasn’t exactly considered a sweetheart, but at least he was an innocent old man. Piers Morgan is just an asshole… Who will go on his show? What celebrity, or half-celebrity will go on a show where some British twat is going to be rude to them? And what person will watch him be rude to people? Simon Cowell was hard on people on Idol, but at least he had a heart somewhere in there, watching Morgan on both …got talent, and the Apprentice, I’m convinced he doesn’t have a heart, or maybe just a teeny tiny black one.

CNN, you dun goofed up.

Update: as some nice man pointed out in the comments section, I had spelled his name “Pierce” instead of “Piers”. Oops.

Welcome To My Place

This post was originally called “Hello World”, and I guess that is quite an appropriate way of starting the first post of a blog. So without further ado, Hello World! I’m broadcasting from and to the internets today because I believe that I have something to say. Something that might interest you, something that might intrigue you. Or something that will offend you so immensely that you never want to come back and visit this web page ever again. It’s all in your mind, how you perceive the world, or even how you were raised. Either way, what I have to say is extremely important, and it will be said with my head held high.

Dear World… I am a homosexual. How big of a homosexual, you might ask. Well, a pretty big one, I would answer. Oh god, not another one of those gay blogs with pink backgrounds and gossip about reality TV shows, and celebrities, you might think. And I’m here to tell you that that is exactly what this blog is. Another gay blog with content that really doesn’t matter in the end. Who cares about how ugly the contestants on America’s Next Top Model was this season (they were pretty ugly actually)? Well, I’m here to tell you that gay people do. Why? Because gay people are a breed of their own, which is kind of funny since we’re not known to breed, but this breed is indeed a very special branch on the tree that is humanity. I’m sorry if I disappointed you with my skills in writing, I lured you in with an interesting opening, and then in the end this is just going to be another blog about stupid shit that only stupid people care about. Well… I guess I just fooled you yet again. Man, this blog already has more twists and turns than the average Lost episode.

Paragraph three, the end of the beginning. This blog will not, I repeat, WILL NOT, be another blog about celebrity gossip, or fashion, or reality TV. No, this blog will be about what I like. So what do I like? Let’s see, I like my hubby Rick, I like videogames, I like politics, I like technology, I like science, I like smart humor, I like music, I like amusement parks, and I like… like. If I like it, I can bet you that it will be found on this page at one time or another. If I like you, you might even end up here, who knows? But for now, I am the only one that will be here, but hopefully that will change soon.